Last
night before we went to bed Jenn and I made the assumption that due to the snow
that school would be closed. We were right. Now, normally a snow day is a bit
of a cause for concern for us because just because Howard County shuts down
their schools does not mean that my office or Jenn’s office will close. It also
means that one of us is usually left holding the proverbial bag of
kid-watching. However today we were both already on vacation so it was no big
deal. In fact while normally I’m kind of a grump when I get “stuck” home
watching the kids all day I am taking this time to relax, enjoy the time around
the kids, and make a concentrated effort to maybe be a bit less irritable;
almost like a resolution of sorts. So today I will try to enjoy my day, I will
spend time happily with the kids, I will relax, I will not go to the gym, and I
will indulge in one last day of vacation and on this last day of vacation I
resolve that I will live with more compassion to my family. Because if there is
one thing that I learned in 2013 it is that I lack compassion in so many areas.
This lack of compassion has been an overwhelming theme in my year. Although
things started out pretty tame it was about the time that we moved back to the
U.S. that just about everything began to grate on my nerves. And unfortunately
that grating had the most impact on my wonderful children and wife – those who
have suffered the most of my impatience, my surliness, my bursts of seemingly
uncontrollable anger, and my general disdain for all things fun. Many moments
this year I have had to force myself to enjoy things that should have been
considered fun: Trips to the County Fair, traveling to see relatives, playing
games with the kids, and other moments that I should have been cherishing I
instead had to grit my teeth, slap a smile on my face, and try to enjoy them.
There were very few times this year when I was honestly joyful. Most of the
times I had to work extremely hard at maintaining the appearance of peace and
joy and many many other times I failed miserably.
At many points I had long conversations with myself about this as I was mostly
aware of how unbearable I was being. I tried to reconcile my actions with my
feelings with the feelings of those around me and I never could. I always came
back to the realization that I was being a jerk and that I had to work harder
and sacrifice more of my time, energy, and money in order to keep peace in the
home. That was my solution: sacrifice more in the hopes that my heart would
soften. I had hope that seeing the joy in my kids and wife would bring a little
joy back to my heart and then I could get back to being a “good dad.” So I
sacrificed more and I grit my teeth harder as I smiled wider. I spent more
money that we didn’t really have in order to spend more time with the kids. I
gave up personal time that I felt I needed in order to spend more time with my
kids. I prayed FERVENTLY that I God would increase my personal resources so I
could pour more of them into my family. Additionally I spent more time with the
kids trying to help them with their homework, more time assisting Jenn in running
the house so she could have time for her job. I was sacrificing and that was
what I told God: “I’m sacrificing, God. Just like Jesus did on the cross. I’m
living a Christian life so could you please help me out here? I’m running out
of Schlitz and I need your help.”
Those were hard, hard days when I was doing everything right and I was working
so hard and I just didn’t feel or see anything coming back from the big guy. My
talks with Jesus were decidedly one-sided and on more tangible level I was
failing miserably. My temper got shorter, my voice got louder, my patience got
thinner, and my heart got harder. I stopped writing not for lack of ideas but
for lack of will to put those ideas on paper (or digits as is the case). My
inspiration was gone and my willingness to even TRY at being a “good dad” was
gone. I continued to make sacrifices of my time and effort “for the kids” in
the hopes that with enough repetition I might find joy in the habit but for the
most part I knew that I needed something else. I had no idea what that “something
else” was but I knew I didn’t have it. I was also losing at being a “good dad”
and settled for the “I hope he’s not as angry tonight” dad. So in one of my
more… ahem… spirited discussions with Jesus I may have possibly kind of yelled
and swore and got all self-righteous with the God of the Universe.
Now, I’m not saying that my approach was correct (in fact I’ll humbly remind
you all that I am the sinner of sinners and the product of an inexplicably deep
fountain of grace) but I did get an answer. Jesus, in his best Jeremy Clarkson
impression called me an idiot. More specifically he hit me up with Matthew9:13. Usually this passage is used when someone is trying to illustrate how
Christians are urged to love others more and correct others less. But in this
case it hit me hard because much like the Pharisees I had been sacrificing many
things in the hopes of a good relationship. They had been doing it with God and
I had been doing it with my family. Jesus reminded me that the best way to be a
good dad was to show mercy and compassion to my family and worry less about
sacrificing for them. Because sacrificing time and money and even energy is relatively easy. That’s the path that the Pharisees chose and the path that Jesus avoided.
Jesus calls us to empathy and understanding in order to bestow mercy and grace –
arguably much more difficult tasks. I realized that all my sacrifice was
building resentment for those whom I love the most and that I was “doing it
wrong.” For example I was so focused on driving the girls all over Columbia in
order to get to their dance lessons that I missed the fact that they LOVED the
extra time we spent together (when I wasn’t swearing at the other cars on the
road and was instead just talking about life or music or funny stuff). Another
example is that I was so focused on sacrificing my time helping Lena and Sujin
with their English homework and struggling to help them get perfect that I
missed the fact that both girls’ behavioral issues were rapidly eroding away
and that I was closer to them as a father than I thought possible in only a
year.
So in this New Year I am consistently seeking to know the hearts of my kids and
wife. I want simply to understand their point of view and work less on sacrificing
for them (outside of the love and empathy required) and more on showing mercy,
understanding, compassion, and grace. I firmly believe that Jesus’ actions in
the gospel – the ones that caused throngs of people to follow him, believe his
words, and inspired them to try to act like him – are the same actions I need
to embody in order to lead my family. The people of Jesus’ time did not follow
him because He sacrificed for them. They followed Him because He loved them, He
taught them, He showed empathy and compassion for them, and He truly had their
best interests at heart. So let that be a lesson to me and to you.
