The long and windy road to Adoption - The first step is expectation management

It's been about 9 months since I last posted and I know at least one person out there has asked me if I was still doing the blog. The answer up until a few days ago as, "Not really." I had lost interest in writing things about Korea. I have been very busy with work and my free time on the weekends has been spent either playing with the kids, golfing, or hanging out with friends (written in decreasing order of regularity). Blogging has been very low on the to-do list. Plus, it turns out that I am not that funny, or original, and many of the topics I have thought about covering have been beaten to death by the internet at large. (Engrish anyone?). So I've let the masses speak for me and spent a lot of time chasing Sora and Deuce around the greater Korean Peninsula. Until now.

Look one post up and you'll see a VERY long write-up about me coming to grips with my/God's desire to adopt. This weekend my wonderful wife finally got me to put my money where my mouth is regarding that conversation/post from a few months back. You see, Jenn is a very astute observer and since we've been married for 11 years she knows that as much as I may WANT to do something it takes a little push or pull or kick in the ass to get me to do it. It's Newton's first law of relationships and she understands it quite well. "A husband at rest will remain at rest until the good wife makes him do what he should be doing on his own." I love her so much.

So what Jenn has been doing for the last couple months is figuring out how we, as foreigners, can adopt a Korean child. What she's discovered is that due to recent law changes it's become VERY difficult to adopt locally. With concerns of human trafficking at an all-time high Korean lawmakers have made foreign direct adoption from orphanages a very difficult proposition. We can go through a big agency like Holt but that means a bunch of trips back to the States in order to adopt a child from within the country we live... that's stupid. Another option which we have considered is contacting a mother-in-need prior to the birth of her baby and adopting her child almost immediately after she gives birth. While this is the most expeditious way, it also means we will have a newborn on our hands and if the child is put up for adoption newborns get snatched up very quickly. The 3rd option is finding a child from an orphanage that meets a couple of pre-conditions:

1. Birth parents are available for contact.

2. Birth parents are willing to give up child

The problem is that a lot of Korean parents are not willing to give up their children for adoption. Children are placed in orphanages as a measure of safe-keeping with the hope that someday the birth parents will be able to bring them back home. For a birth-parent to give up their child for adoption it is an admission of abject failure and, as in many cases, is a bitter pill to swallow. In other cases parents that are no longer able to be contacted by the orphanage are not able to give up custody of their children. Without legal granting of custody a child cannot be adopted.

Despite the challenges the third option works well for us for a few reasons. Older children are generally less likely to be adopted. I am looking to adopt an older child for that reason. When we adopt we want to have full contact information for the birth parents. I am not into taking away the option for my/our child to meet up with their birth family later in life. Finally Jenn and I are into full-disclosure adoption. That means that there will be no 16th birthday card that reads: Surprise! You're adopted! I want our adopted child to grow up knowing that we picked them, we encourage them to meet their birth parents, and they are indeed adopted.

And so this Saturday my wife said to me, "I've made an appointment with the orphanage and we're meeting there after lunch. No golfing today." We met two young girls and Jenn had a long discussion with the administrator of the orphanage. (A little side note. This is the only orphanage administrator that has actually been helpful to Jenn. All the others just told her "It's impossible but if you would like to volunteer we're happy to have you.") I took a liking to the younger girl but Jenn reminded me that I had told her that I was looking to adopt an older child... she remembers EVERYTHING I say.... So this morning Jenn called the orphanage and set up a "date" between our kids and the older girl. Her name is Sujin and apparently we've raised our children to be gracious, patient, and kind. Jenn and the kids took Sujin to the water park and then over to our house to watch movies and play. It turns out that Sujin had never been to a pool before (lots of crying) and is deathly afraid of cats (we have an enormous teddy bear of cat who apparently looks like he eats young Korean girls). Even after all that Sujin enjoyed her time with us and my kids are looking forward to spending more time with her.

In the meantime I (err... my wife) will be busy contacting the adoption lawyer, maintaining contact with the orphanage, researching the internet and Korean adoption documents, and generally helping me actually achieve my goal of adopting a child here. I sooooo married up.

Now I am busy working the expectation management piece of this ordeal. The administrator at the orphanage stressed the importance of keeping your word and not making promises without being able to keep them. (a page straight from the Counter-Insurgency and Transition Team Manuals... who says Military Theory has no application in domestic situations). I sat down with the kids on three separate occasions and stressed the importance of not talking about the future and treating Sujin just like one of their other local friends. And then I posted pictures of Sujin with my kids on the internet and spoke at length with some friends of mine about my hope that this all works out. Expectation Management does not just apply to the adoptee.